Getting Over It
Getting over it, is what we all must do when we fall in love, have our hearts broken and are forced to move on. Getting over it or the more curt, "Get Over It!" is the mantra of our age. Don't like the president? Get over it! Don't like your job? Get over it. Don't like your boyfriend cheating on you with a twenty year old drug addict in a different city for the duration of your relationship? Get over it.
Getting over it is a process in which one grieves it all out, though. It requires the patience of friends and family, of co-workers and of yourself. The grief itself is a living, breathing animal that lives inside you. Not unlike an alien....Sadly, it is best to just let it burst out of your chest, and let you die. But then again, that's why I love the phoenix. It dies and rises from its own ash.
One of the hardest things I have had to do this year is grieve my failed relationship with Balash. I discovered he was living a double-life. One with me and one with another woman in Vancouver, Canada. He pretended to have a moonlighting job in Denver and every other weekend went to 'work' there. Around February, I knew in my heart that he was being unfaithful to me. He had become disinterested in sex and me in general. He yelled at me constantly, and I often felt ashamed of my 'paranoia', him truly manipulating my inner most fears. In essence, he took nearly a year of my life and made it into a sham. He promised everything to me, and in reality gave nothing. I find writing about it so difficult. I find grieving a moment to moment thing.
He actually wanted to stay with me. I actually spent three months trying to figure out whether I could go on being with him. Could love have actually existed within the constructs of what he built our relationship on? And how am I to blame? I stepped over things that were inconsistant, I ignored the obvious. I wanted Balash. I wish he had really wanted me, too.
Now, there is the hum of men around me; I am single and it shows. They swarm, they are kind, they perk up when I enter a room. Being single and being vulnerable creates the space for men wanting to be men to show up. I just wish I could be more interested. I wish I could just let go of the past and bring in somehing beautiful into my future.
I am taking guitar lessons, salsa lessons, wine tasting. I'm doing environmental work, cleaning up my local parks and beaches, I am looking after my family, I am stepping up at work, taking on more projects. I want to get back to working with adults illiterates, I want to do more to protect the ocean. I want to continue to put my dive gear together, buying one piece after the next. I am writing more, reading more, lending a hand more to whomever may need it.
I guess that's how it goes. Piece by piece, moment to moment you let go, and you let life take care of itself. I realize that this blog entry is totally self-indulgent. I know I am just one more person, with one more broken heart, who lets the weight of the world victimize her...when it really can't. I know I am responsible for my life. I know these things.
But I plan to get over it. I plan to dust the old ashes of what was me from my shoulders. This is just a step.
World Girl
Getting over it is a process in which one grieves it all out, though. It requires the patience of friends and family, of co-workers and of yourself. The grief itself is a living, breathing animal that lives inside you. Not unlike an alien....Sadly, it is best to just let it burst out of your chest, and let you die. But then again, that's why I love the phoenix. It dies and rises from its own ash.
One of the hardest things I have had to do this year is grieve my failed relationship with Balash. I discovered he was living a double-life. One with me and one with another woman in Vancouver, Canada. He pretended to have a moonlighting job in Denver and every other weekend went to 'work' there. Around February, I knew in my heart that he was being unfaithful to me. He had become disinterested in sex and me in general. He yelled at me constantly, and I often felt ashamed of my 'paranoia', him truly manipulating my inner most fears. In essence, he took nearly a year of my life and made it into a sham. He promised everything to me, and in reality gave nothing. I find writing about it so difficult. I find grieving a moment to moment thing.
He actually wanted to stay with me. I actually spent three months trying to figure out whether I could go on being with him. Could love have actually existed within the constructs of what he built our relationship on? And how am I to blame? I stepped over things that were inconsistant, I ignored the obvious. I wanted Balash. I wish he had really wanted me, too.
Now, there is the hum of men around me; I am single and it shows. They swarm, they are kind, they perk up when I enter a room. Being single and being vulnerable creates the space for men wanting to be men to show up. I just wish I could be more interested. I wish I could just let go of the past and bring in somehing beautiful into my future.
I am taking guitar lessons, salsa lessons, wine tasting. I'm doing environmental work, cleaning up my local parks and beaches, I am looking after my family, I am stepping up at work, taking on more projects. I want to get back to working with adults illiterates, I want to do more to protect the ocean. I want to continue to put my dive gear together, buying one piece after the next. I am writing more, reading more, lending a hand more to whomever may need it.
I guess that's how it goes. Piece by piece, moment to moment you let go, and you let life take care of itself. I realize that this blog entry is totally self-indulgent. I know I am just one more person, with one more broken heart, who lets the weight of the world victimize her...when it really can't. I know I am responsible for my life. I know these things.
But I plan to get over it. I plan to dust the old ashes of what was me from my shoulders. This is just a step.
World Girl
posted by World Girl at 1:13 PM
2 Comments:
Pour yourself into them. Not as a substitute, but because you must be self-indulgent (and it doesn't hurt any that so many of your indulgences are noble as well.) Because when your happiness comes from within, it shines forth in such an amazing (attractive) way. And then when you find yourself not lacking for anything or missing anything, that is when something new comes along that brings joy it won't be filling a void but just happiness on top of happiness, icing on the cake.
Mmmm.... cake.
Ditto to what James wrote, though I couldn't really relate to that whole "icing on the cake" part.
I've been cheated on before, the details of which are unimportant, nor do I want it to seem as if I'm lessening the pain you're going through by mentioning my own. I mention it only because I was told "get over it" by more than a few people, and I made the mistake of listening to them. I buried the hurt deep inside of me and essentially shut myself down emotionally. It was the lowest point of my life and I almost didn't see the other side of it.
As my life is a disaster of near-Biblical proportions, I never presume to offer advice, but what my experience taught me was to allow myself to feel pain when the situation calls for it. Because if I don't, I also deny myself the opportunity to feel joy, to say nothing of actual love.
So do "get over it," but do so in your own time and your own way, and tell anybody who tries to tell you differently to go suck an egg.
Mmmm.... eggs.
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