Intimacy
'Intimacy' was a film that came out in 2002; it is a French film set in England. The movie starts off with a portrayal of a divorced father, who works as a bar keep and lives in a slovenly apartment in London. The viewer is taken through his morning routine of cigarettes and coffee, when suddenly the door bell rings. He answers and it is a woman of a non-descript nature. She comes in. He gives her a cup of coffee and without much ado they begin to fuck. It is a graphic scene; it verges on porn. Then she gets up and leaves. This scene is repeated a few times until one day the man spies his lady walking about with her children. He discovers that she is married and works in the theater as an actress. Her husband is an obese, slow man who works as a cab driver. The lover then plays a passive aggressive role in her life outing her affair to her husband who has been through it all before. The woman reassures her husband that she's not going to leave him. The husband seems angry and relieved that he is not going to loose his adulterous wife. The lover and the wife have one more spasmodic fuck and the movie ends.
This movie received a lot of attention when it first came out, as it was supposed to be cutting edge. I watched it at home a few years ago, remembering the commentary and the hoo-wha that surrounded it. I asked myself, so the intimacy was only real as long as they didn't really know each other? The intimacy was created in the space of that dirty London apartment and it gave the characters space to really be close? I didn't see it. I actually didn't see anything but heartbreak in that movie. There wasn't any intimacy; they were all horribly lonely.
When Balash and I broke up, my friend Chris said to me, "I want you to think about the kind of relationship you want versus the person you want to be with." At the time, words like adventure, passion, and play rolled off my tongue. Actually they sort of eked their way out over the voice of cynicism. I didn't believe I could have a relationship that was all those things. I thought I had a relationship like that, and my partner turned about to be a manipulative liar and cheat. I couldn't fathom having a relationship that would be everything I could want. Then it occurred to me. The kind of relationship I want is one of simple intimacy.
Recently, I saw the Tony award winning musical 'Pippin'. The music was just OK. The story in its onset was just OK. Pippin, the main character, actually annoyed me with his naivete and ego-centric passion for living. All around him were characters set to make his life seem real with so much fanfare and bravado. He went through his warrior phase, his debauch phase, his artistic phase, his whatever phase. He tried and did it all. It wasn't until the end when he was offered true love and a stable life that he finally found happiness, connectedness and fulfillment. The troupe of characters who wanted him to continue to live as a grandiose person (shoot himself into the sun, to be percise), stripped him and his love bare of their costumes, make-up and wigs. The tore the set apart so there was nothing left but a stark look at what is like to be just yourself without any gimmicks or facades in front of the world and the one you love. I cried. I was choking on my tears. I was startled and embarrassed at my emotion. There it was. Intimacy.
In wanting that, I look at my past and see where it has been nearly bare of that way of being, of that closeness. With Balash, I must acknowledge that there was none. You cannot have intimacy with someone who is incapable of telling you the truth or is never themself. Outside of this relationship, there have been moments of intimacy, and I remember my fear in those moments. I remember running, I remember wanting more.
That is the relationship I long for. Whether the relationship is a frantic adventure, I care not. I simply want to love and be loved for no reason at all.
World Girl
This movie received a lot of attention when it first came out, as it was supposed to be cutting edge. I watched it at home a few years ago, remembering the commentary and the hoo-wha that surrounded it. I asked myself, so the intimacy was only real as long as they didn't really know each other? The intimacy was created in the space of that dirty London apartment and it gave the characters space to really be close? I didn't see it. I actually didn't see anything but heartbreak in that movie. There wasn't any intimacy; they were all horribly lonely.
When Balash and I broke up, my friend Chris said to me, "I want you to think about the kind of relationship you want versus the person you want to be with." At the time, words like adventure, passion, and play rolled off my tongue. Actually they sort of eked their way out over the voice of cynicism. I didn't believe I could have a relationship that was all those things. I thought I had a relationship like that, and my partner turned about to be a manipulative liar and cheat. I couldn't fathom having a relationship that would be everything I could want. Then it occurred to me. The kind of relationship I want is one of simple intimacy.
Recently, I saw the Tony award winning musical 'Pippin'. The music was just OK. The story in its onset was just OK. Pippin, the main character, actually annoyed me with his naivete and ego-centric passion for living. All around him were characters set to make his life seem real with so much fanfare and bravado. He went through his warrior phase, his debauch phase, his artistic phase, his whatever phase. He tried and did it all. It wasn't until the end when he was offered true love and a stable life that he finally found happiness, connectedness and fulfillment. The troupe of characters who wanted him to continue to live as a grandiose person (shoot himself into the sun, to be percise), stripped him and his love bare of their costumes, make-up and wigs. The tore the set apart so there was nothing left but a stark look at what is like to be just yourself without any gimmicks or facades in front of the world and the one you love. I cried. I was choking on my tears. I was startled and embarrassed at my emotion. There it was. Intimacy.
In wanting that, I look at my past and see where it has been nearly bare of that way of being, of that closeness. With Balash, I must acknowledge that there was none. You cannot have intimacy with someone who is incapable of telling you the truth or is never themself. Outside of this relationship, there have been moments of intimacy, and I remember my fear in those moments. I remember running, I remember wanting more.
That is the relationship I long for. Whether the relationship is a frantic adventure, I care not. I simply want to love and be loved for no reason at all.
World Girl
posted by World Girl at 10:23 AM
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