What are you going to do?

Today I received an email from an old friend who hasn't spoken to me since February. For the third time, he bailed on our friendship for whatever reasons he had.

The email just said one thing. "Thanks."

I still read his blog, because I still care. I still want to see how he's doing, make sure he's OK. You see, he's in Iraq with the Army Corp of Engineers. He's working as an archeologist and he's identifying bones in mass graves. Grueling work both emotionally and physically.

However, before he left, and when we were still friends and my opinion meant something to him, he was sending me chapters of his novel. A fantasy novel. I would read and make comments for better or for worse, and in general, he would listen to me and even delight in some of the things I had to say.

Recently, he wrote in his blog about the things he missed. Some of the thing he had been missing were chapters 10 and 11, because he was finding it hard to write chapters 12, 13 and 14 without them. Fore some reason, he didn't bring a copy of them with him.

I didn't think twice. I contacted his best friend, and asked for his mailing address (I had long since deleted all my emails from him. Everything. Even the ones that had made me cry with happiness). His friend was happy to oblige me. Then I realized that he didn't want contact with me. At all. So, I left the novel on his friend's doorstep, and left note requesting he hang onto it or send it on to him.

Attached to the email today was his novel, including chapters I hadn't read. I haven't sat down to read them, but I will. I wrote back, "You're Welcome."

What else is there to do?

Ding Dong!

Bridget Jones to Mark Darcy: "You're always haughty, you always say the wrong thing and I seriously think you should reconsider the length of your sideburns. But, you're a nice man....and I like you. If you wanted to pop by sometime, that might be nice."

The first time a met him about a summer or so ago, the first thing we did was fight about the Iraq war. I was against, and he was for. I decided that he was an SUV hugging pig, who had no talent for conversation or social skills.

Yesterday, he, my cousin and I went for a long bike ride. We drove out past Falls City, deep into Washington State Park, where it actually requires a license to go hiking, etc. The drive from Seattle was about 2 hours. He had me laughing the whole time.

When we got to the trail head, he continually made way for me. I was a little timid (If anyone can imagine that), because the trail was rocky and required riding across streams and picking up the bikes to carry them across a "foot bridge" (NOT!! Try a log that seemed to conveniently fall across the creek). Needless to say, I'm not an "off-road" cyclist. But he was always watching my step, and making sure I was OK.

We rode to Monte Cristo, a ghost town that used to mine silver in the late 19th Century. We walked and laughed and mused about the fact that the ghost town consisted not of old, empty buildings, but of signs that read, "The site of the old schoolhouse", "The site of the old doctor's office". They added "old" just in case we might think something from the late 19th Century was new.

We rode back fairly quickly, and then it was more of the same. We laughed and chatted the whole way back to Seattle, and went out for Sushi. He bought me a beer. Insisted I sit on the comfortable side, rather than the seat near the isle where people were always bustling past.

I can't recall everything that was said, only that it was one of the best times I have had in a long time. At the end of the evening, I asked if he remembered the fight we had, had. He did not, and then I went and put my foot in it. I said, "You know, when I first met you, I thought you were a big jerk. But you're not, you're a very nice gentleman." He responded by saying, "Great. Got any single friends?" How Rude! I'm single!!!!! :)

Anyway, apparently he isn't so emphatic about his point of view on the Iraq war, saying sarcastically, "Yes, that was a great idea. We just get better and better at getting our soldiers killed." I don't know what to tell him.

He borrowed a cd. My Ella Fitzgerald Songbook Collection. He'll have to give it back at some point. What are the rules again? I'm not allowed to call or chase him? Eh, I shouldn't be chasing men anyway. Not when I prefer to be caught. :)

World Girl

Quote of the Day

"Seldom, very seldom does complete truth belong to any human disclosure; seldom can it happen that something is not a little disguised, or a little mistaken." - Jane Austin, Emma

I agree. I think life is mainly fiction of our own making. How will your story go?

World Girl

Sundown at 9:45pm

Around 7:50pm my stomach told me I was hungry. Hot and muggy, I decided sushi and beer would be the perfect dinner. I headed into Ballard, to Sam's Sushi, where the nigiri is fresh and the rolls the best in town.

Afterward, I was feeling restless. The settling cloak of night air called to be walked through. I drove to Golden Gardens, thinking I would stroll along the boardwalk for a bit, catch the remnants of the sunset and see if there were any bonfires lit.

There were eight bonfires roaring.

The parking lots were full. The beach was crammed with people of all ages. In the night sky a strip of fire hung on the horizon line, lingering and lingering, the sun's refusal to go. People were showing up with coolers and frisbees as if the sun was rising, instead of setting.

The Good Humor man pushed his cart of ice cream along with the intention of out-lasting the die-hards. Kids yelled at each other "That's my rock, get off of my rock". "I'm sandy and soggy, mom, ha ha ha."

I stepped onto the sand and my feet sank into the cool grains. At the water front, people were throwing themselves into the small waves and squealing at the chill. One little girl with long, dark, curly hair held her ground as the surf swept up and over her feet. She smiled, eyes bright and said, "I think it's fine. I do. I'm fine, I'm not cold." Her father looked on proud at his brave daughter.

With wet feet I moved on...and oh life hummed at a brilliant and deafening level.

Two kites still hung in the air, every barbecue spot was taken, roaring and sizzling hot dogs and hamburgers. I heard many languages being spoken: English, Spanish, Vietnamese. Lovers huddled together on blankets and necked unabashedly, old couples held hands and drummers drummed a beat, setting the tempo for this frenetic evening that this city, Seattle, would devour whole. The scene pulsated with the life blood of those who have been yearning for winter to shed its gray coat and for summer to burst through and heat us to the bone.

My heart beats fast. I remember this scene from three years ago. He and I came here with a couple of beers and a blanket. We huddled around a bonfire, wrapped in each other's arms...and we kissed for the first time.

Nostalgic World Girl

Hot is Sexy!

Seattle. It is now 90 degrees. Yes folks, I believe we have a new record temperature wise, for a May 27th. Some of my southern bound readers may scoff at this moment of rapture, but...this is Seattle!!! People are playing hooky from work, kids are splashing in kiddy pools and the whole green city is gorgeous. There's nothing more beautiful than this city all a glow in sunlight. Granted, the people walking around look like converted vampires, but that will change. Give us a few months.

As for me, the only thing cool enough to wear in my non-airconditioned apartment is some lingerie. I kinda like it. I might make it a common practice. :)

World Girl

Choice Leads to Serendipity.

I lied. I didn't go to the islands. I didn't go see Orcas breaching off the point of my kayak. I called and cancelled my reservation at the B&B and they said they wouldn't charge me, even though it's their policy to charge a late fee. I didn't have to ask, either. I'll be staying with them, later this summer.

Instead, on Wednesday, I went for a long meandering walk along Alki Point, watched the waves roll onto the beach, people-watched in their many arrays and stressed about work. As I decided what I would do for lunch I knew that nothing would taste as good as a new job.

I sent out my c.v. to 6 different posts that day, and I felt better than I had in months and months. I went for a long jog, I ate healthy, I loved speaking to people rather than hide away.

I began to think of someone who used to work at our site for one of our sponsors. She would always tell my boss what a great asset I was to the company, and that she never had to worry about my work, like she did at her other sites. She praised me to the moon. I considered how I could be in touch with her, to ask advice, request she be a reference etc. Thursday, I had two emails in my personal account from her!!! I didn't even know she had my address. She has questions about the regulatory process, which I am well-versed in. I told her what I was up to and she asked for my c.v. and sent a website with a huge listing of biotech/pharmaceutical jobs.

I am feeling the return of my free spirit, my jouissance I could have sworn was long dead. Nothing is as good as being in action in one's life. Nothing quenches saddness than taking charge, where there needs to be change. What I know now is that job-hunting is my number one priority over everything else. House-cleaning, working-out....blogging. Well, I'm on the computer anyway....:) A new job, continuing education is the key to saving myself from my ridiculous, morose ticking.

World Girl - Wanting to be in the World Again.

And I'm off!

It's Wednesday, in Seattle and.....the temperature is slowly edging its way towards 80!!!!! OH, and now I'm off to the islands for some fun and relaxation.

Ciao,

World Girl

Woman Seeks Man with Spine

Tonight I drove from Olympia to Seattle, a span of 64 miles. As I passed along the I5 corridor, past Fort Lewis, Tacoma, Wild Waves Enchanted Park, the turn off for the Seatac Airport, all the way to Fremont, I couldn't help but fume.

I mean, the sky was all lit with brilliant moonlight and the air smells good after the rains. And all I could think about is that men no longer do their jobs.

I, for one and I think I speak for most women when I say this, am sick of doing a man's job. I'm sick of putting out the right signals, getting the ball rolling and being careful of his ego and time, all so that something as simple as a date can happen. I can't tell you how many times I have casually said to a man I thought was cute, "Hey, want to go do something (music, movie, dinner, coffee) and be met with first a stunned, wide-eyed look, followed by a stammer of, "Really? Sure. Yeah, when would you like to go?" I've even misunderstood these looks as lack of interest in me only to have the man follow up on what I said. Isn't it against the rules for me to be doing the asking? Yet, there I am and there they are.

I mean, what happened to men knowing what they want? What happened to them going after what they want? Why are men, more and more, living in pansyland?

I'm sure men will say it is women's fault, that we've emasculated them. To that, I say BULL! Every single human being on this earth has free will and choice.

OK. So this rant is turning into a plea. Men, if you're out there and you're wondering what it is women want, we want you to be self-confident, because we are just dying to be given the opportunity to know you. STOP hiding out in your nooks and crannies. Emerge, grab us by the back of the head and say, "You, me, Friday night". Please???????? If you keep playing the role of J. Alfred Prufrock (worm on a hook routine), we'll never get the chance to love you.

Alas, what comes to mind is the following quote from a song.....

"just lay yourself on the line and I might lay myself down by you but don't sit behind your eyes and wait for me to surprise you
I want somebody who can make me scream until it's funny give me a run for my money
I want someone who can twist me up in knots
tell me, for the woman who has everything what have you got?
I want someone who's not afraid of me or anyone else in other words I want someone who's not afraid of himself
do you think I'm asking too much?" Ani DiFranco, Asking Too Much

In this day and age, probably.

World Girl

"Diving Into the Wreck"

The poem by Adrienne Rich, "Diving into the Wreck", resonates so clearly to me now in this phase of my life. It has been months since my heart was broken, and on Friday last, I finally acknowledged that I was heart broken. For some reason, I have equated being sad over love lost as a weakness that I must hide. So, I thought I was just fine, when the dishes were piling up, the laundry was over flowing my basket and the dust was collecting in wisps around the apartment. Friday I cried my eyes out and allowed myself to finally be sad about love lost. And Saturday, I cleaned up the wreck. My wood floors shine from all the polishing.

I'm still diving into myself. Where did I make up that loving and loosing was weak rather than brave?

World Girl

The passing of an Era

My grandfather died at age 93. He beat the pope to the holy land by a few hours. He passed away quietly on April 2nd, 2005. He was my last remaining grandparent, and with him goes an era of my life.

His Memorial was held on May 14, 2005. I thought I had processed the passing of his life, but I found myself tearful and grieving through most of the service. It was amazing to hear stories I had not heard before. My grandfather was a master craftsman, and all around the Bellingham Baptist Church, were benches, stairways, window frames; touches of grace where he had contributed greatly to his community. At the reception following the service, I sat down next to a woman who was in a wheel chair. She said, "Your grandfather made me a bench outside where the bus stops, so that when I needed to rest, I could." If that doesn't sum up the kind of person he was, I don't know what will.

I still have my cooking utensils that he made me as a teenager, a crib that I rested in as a baby, and a painting easel that gave me access to creativity.

My grandfather's photographs of the surrounding Bellingham beauty could rival an Ansel Adams' photo. He was genuinely an artist of many ilk.

Although a devout Christian, he was never a proselytizer. In all my years, he only spoke of religion once to me, and that is when I had asked him about the Bible. He was a quiet man of faith, who practiced daily prayer. He loved my grandmother so much, that he was inconsolable when she died, three years prior to his own death.

It isn't just an era in my life in terms of life transition. Meaning, me being an adult, my parents being grandparents, and my sister having children and my friends all getting married or are married.
It is also the passing of a gentle way of being, a gentle way of loving and a delicate sense of right and wrong. The world is a crazy mess, chaotic in political turmoil and bloodshed. Yet, on my grandparents couch, I could fall asleep soundly, without a thought of what was going on in the rest of the world. It was such a blessing to have grandparents who provided sanctuary in their love and their faith, and in their simple way of being in life. Bicycling to the store, taking books to the jail, teaching bible studies, growing their own food, growing flowers taller than me.....A world without the hyperbolic crush of the modern age.

Perhaps, we all do want to return to the garden, free ourselves of acne commercials, reality shows, the Enron's of the world, the dictatorships, the anger we hold for ourselves because of the choices we make.

The little yellow house in Bellingham, that became the little grey house in Bellingham was my garden.

Where to now?

World Girl

The Smell of Tyranny

My place of employment had another work function at the illustrious Colombia Tower Club. 76 stories up, one can survey the entire City of Seattle, Puget Sound and Olympic Mountains. From the Women's bathroom one may survey all of the "Eastside" which as the City of Bellevue, Mount Rainier and far down the I5 corridor. The sun broke through clouds in an ethereal dance across the water; truly a sight to make one believe in a higher purpose.

The food is just so, so, but one really isn't there for exquisite cuisine, even at the astronomical prices.

The DJ is playing some nice Sade as we munch our appetizer. And as usual, by boss begins to dance and dragging everyone out of their seats to do likewise. My scenario goes as thus:

Boss: (taps my shoulder and extends a hand).
World Girl: No, I'm not dancing tonight. I'm not feeling well. But thank you.
Boss: You can't say "no" and forces his hand in my direction.
World Girl: Actually, I can say "no" and I'm not dancing tonight. But thank you.
World Girl turns away from boss and continues to munch her Caesar Salad. Her boss stands behind her for awhile, as if she hadn't said 'NO'. Boss finally walks away.

As far as I am concerned, I will never dance with my employer again. Last December, what used to be a comical happence at work events where he dances with his female employees turned into ugly sexual harassment. I genuinely wasn't feeling well on our Christmas cruise ship. My boss approached me and said "Dance with me" and I said no, and he lifted his hand and hit me hard across my butt. It was actually painful and left a mark.

I was later to find out, there were two other such incidences. I wrote to three lawyers, with no reply to my inquiries as to what we could do. I spoke with an HR friend at a different company and she said unless I could prove a pattern, I didn't have a case. So, apparently it is OK for my employer to sexual harass me on occasion, as long as he doesn't go too far, and it isn't a pattern.

Last night, my boss hit another female employee on the ass, and she turned around and said, don't ever touch me like that again. No pattern? Well, he's never going to touch me again. It is a sad fact that I have no recourse about this sort of shit in 2005, but there it is. Instead I send out c.v.s in search of other gainful employment. I'm to the point where giving notice without another job lined up might be best.

Weighing my options looks like this: Poverty and dignity or financial stability?

And I am just one woman, with one story, with the ire of centuries boiling in my veins.

World Girl

New Found Love

I have fallen in love with my blog. I never knew what a powerful feeling it would be to put my inner thoughts down in an area where someone might or might not connect with them. I find I want to write in it all the time, and get it all out, all of it in my head that is usually silent. The smallest of details, the minutest of meanings, the revelations, the hopes, the fears, the love and the heartache.Maybe it will speak to someone, in a world where there are over a billion people, and loneliness is like a plague.

I have been resisting dealing with all the saved messages on my phone's voicemail. All seventeen of them. I avoided listening, responding, deleting for the very reason I am inspired to write this entry. I let it go, just so I didn't have to hear the two messages where he says he misses me, that he can't wait to see me, that he's excited to touch me. Acknowledging these messages amongst the miscellaneous calls from friends, family, fellow life-coaches, places of business and giving them up as my past and not to ever be my future is a cathartic moment for who I have been being in life, since he left. Sad, withdrawn, hiding out from those I love dearly, and above all, pretending like it didn't matter.

Love does matter. I'll take on anyone who says otherwise. Including myself.

World Girl

Sailor Says "No!" to Iraq War.

A vote of no confidence for the Bush Administration and the Iraq War.

World Girl

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20050512/ap_on_go_ca_st_pe/iraq_sailor_s_protest

The Dove in the Cove

More talk of vacation. Yes, I cannot wait for my few days in the San Juan Islands.

I am going to kayak one day, in search of Orca sightings. At night, I'm going to soak in my private jacuzzi bath tub, eat at the local pub house, check out a movie, get to bed late, wake up late, eat my complementary gormet breakfast, check out and roam around the organic herb and spice farm, ramble through many an art gallery, spend a few hours in a book store or two, lollygag on the pier soaking up sun (pray to the sun gods, pray) and then mosey my way home via the ferry. A long, beautiful trek through the islands. Ahhhh, can you tell that I'm already gone? I shall hopefully have much to report on my adventures, slothfulness, gluttony and plain ole happiness. :)

The Dove in the Cove,
World Girl

"Vacation, all I ever wanted, Vacation Having to get away!"

I'm plotting. And scheming. And planning. Ah, yes, I shall be taking some vacation time very, very soon and that is oooh so good. I shall either spend a couple of days in the San Juan Islands kayaking, hoping to see Orcas, or I shall drive to Banff, Canada and take in nature's wonders there for a few days. How I long to escape the clutch of the bony hand of work! Toil, toil, toil to pay graduate student loans, rent, etc. I'm certain there will be no pity for me, on this score, as most of my friends now have mortgages. But I'll moan about it anyway.

Alas, I shall stay at a Bed and Breakfast with a jacuzzi tub all by my lonesome. I guess I'll bring some toys, er, I mean books and crosswords, to entertain myself.

With snorkle in tow,
World Girl

Song of the Day

http://www.songmeanings.net/lyric.php?lid=3530822107858509797

I'm inspired by these words.

World Girl

Yes! Yes! YES! I Love Life!!

Today I watched "I Heart Huckabee's" and find myself elated! I resisted seeing the movie, because it came so highly recommended like "Sideways" or any other entertainment that seems prized by the intellectual. Questions like, "will I look good if I see this movie?" would often cross many a mind. Mainly, I questioned whether it was worth watching a movie that had Jude Law in it. I mean, after the disaster of 'Closer' one can only hesistate. There was a movie that made it seem like the world consisted of four selfish individuals, who couldn't see that their inability to be authentic with each other, made their art worthless. How incredibly boring.

Huckabees is one of those spasmic reminders that life is all things and that self-introspection and deconstructing one's self and personal stories can result in horrible and magnificent things. And none of these things matter. The movie volleys between two separate schools of thought. One is Existential the other nihilistic. Is life inter-connected/love and all encompassing or is it meaningless and cruel? And do we have the will-power to over-come the daily drama of life and our existence to entertain these thoughts? Are we able to set aside our personal drama so that we may take on greater things and do great things?

Albert, the main character (almost, but not by much), must let go of his stories about his work, the people in his life and his past, to realized that he is connected to everything and isolated at the same time. He deconstructs his past, confronts his worst feelings about being dominated, made to feel ashamed and his fears of loosing everything by doing just that. It is only when he sees the drama he creates, that he is able to see himself in everything and see how it doesn't matter. With this accomplished, he is able to be intimate with others, and take on what he cares about. He's even able to see himself in his worst enemy and see himself as his worst enemy, and not let that stop him from what he wants to accomplish.

One of the characters who was deconstructing herself was a spokes model for the department store Huckabee's which is supposed to be like a target or a Wal-Mart. Her life came down to, "do I have to be beautiful all the time?" She went from being glamorous to dressing like a dirty farmer, with teeth un-brushed and hair a mess. She lost her job, but she found what she always wanted: true love. So, the answer to her question was no/yes. Ha!

Tommy, a fireman played by Mark Wahlberg, looses everything, too, when he deconstructs himself and takes a look at the big picture in life. His wife leaves him, he isn't allowed to see his daughter, the other fireman laugh at him, when he refuses to ride in the fire truck. Once he takes a look at the big pictures in life which includes, war lords, crimes against humanity for oil, sweat shops in Asia, he can no longer go on with the life he always has. He is perfect, for he represents almost any American. I love Tommy the character for his pursuit of the truth, for his violent stand he takes for those he looks up to, and for being committed to seeing the big picture, now that he has seen it. I also love Mark Wahlberg. Every expression he made was beautiful in emotion. There was so much innocence in his portrayal of Tommy, the average American, the average human being. All of it was remarkable.

No one's deconstruction was more beautiful than Jude Law's character, the conniving, boring, mean-spirited sales executive of Huckabee's. He dominates others, before he can be dominated. He is shallow, self-serving and just about anybody on the street. Hell, if you're reading this, take a look inside. I can see it in me, too. He seemingly has the most to loose (as we all think we do). And in deconstructing himself, in pulling away the layers of who he has made himself into, he is almost unable to confront the choices he's made. When he sees his life, he throws up in the Huckabee's board room in front of all the senior executives. The big picture for him is left incomplete.

Through this journey, there are the Existential Investigators and the Nihilist Investigator, who open up these cases (or cans of worms) for their clients to look at. They are like the third-eye in us all, revealing back to us why we do anything, why things are connected, what we really want in life. In the end everything is united, even the schools of thought.

So, what is it for you? What would life look like if you looked at the big picture? If you deconstructed yourself? What question dominates your life, and in turn dominates others? What keeps you from taking on great things? What do you want your world to look like? Life's meaningless anyway, so choose.
Signing off, World Girl